Who controls the invite list for a kid’s party?
This topic arose as we are now in the throes of planning our youngest son’s 5th birthday activity (late to plan or plan too late). The first round of questions were:
” Do you want a party or family adventure?” followed by, “Do you want it to be classmates or family/friends?” ended with, “Where do you want to have the party?”
Once all the questions were answered, I started compiling the list of who to send out an invite to. A few names on the list he wasn’t sure he remembered who they were but he wasn’t against them receiving an invite, then I said a name that instantly caused his whole demeanor to change and he said “…but (insert child’s name) is not my friend” to which I replied that it would be nice to extend the invite and his response was ” but I don’t want (insert child’s name) there.” So I stumbled around in the dark trying to reason, excuse and basically dismiss his position on inviting the child he doesn’t want there. And as I sent my husband a message about it, I thought to myself wait whose party is it again?
So, when planning a party for your child and they are old enough to have input do you plan based on their direction? Does the age of the child matter? meaning, if your 5 year old knows what theme and who he wants to invite(or not) do they not have a say but if your 15 year old has a list of invitees would that get the head nod without question? why or why not?
I thought I knew but now I am having an inner battle. The hippie mom that encourages our kids to be their authentic selves, encourages individual autonomy, and have a say in certain things (mental health days, make personal decisions, what they want for lunch, etc.) is screaming our child shouldn’t extend an invite to someone they don’t want to just to “be nice” or out of obligation. Will us forcing them to do something they made very clear they don’t want to do somehow push them to conform, pressure them into doing things they don’t want to in order to be accepted. It’s not our [the parents] party, they can invite who they want. Our son(child) should not be made to feel guilty for connecting with and wanting to share his special day with those he considers close friends. My friend had this to say…
“This is his birthday do you all want him to start off at this young age people pleasing? Because essentially we are saying yes it’s your special day but you need to do this for someone else.”
The reality is the child he doesn’t want to invite doesn’t travel in any close circle that they would find out about missing out on an invite…but the part that I keep trying to silence is my own internal pressure to conform, the one that is thinking what will people say and think, will the parents have ill feelings towards me thinking I alone purposely left their child out or the good ole let’s be polite, extend the invite and maybe the child won’t be able to come. As parents/adults many of us feel the need to teach life lessons to our children at a very young age [preparing them for the world we say]. And in life sometimes we have to do and be around people we don’t want to be around. We have to learn to get a long with all types of people–be patient, understanding, kind and considerate. But you know what else, I never imagined a 4 year old not caring for another child his age and it’s throwing me for a loop but also…
Confession in the past for all our kids under age 9 the party guest list was made up by us and included a few friends and classmates of our kids but also quite a lot of relatives and close friend’s kids. Our kids NEVER spoke up or out about it until NOW. Our third child is the one who shined the spotlight on us and gave us pause.
Please share your thoughts, opinions, experience, etc. about this.
Rickettedly Awesome 